I'm realistically optimistic...

Before all these tests, before the surgery, and before Peanut; I was a realist. I wasn't the one who looked at every situation like it was covered in paisleys and sunshine. I was the one who pointed out the storm cloud on the horizon. 
My theory was: If you don't have expectations, then you won't be disappointed. That theory has never failed me. 
But now, considering everything that is going on. I have to be optimistic, if only just a little. I wouldn't be able to sit here for hours at a time by myself and think negative thoughts. I would self combust from the overwhelming possibilities of things that could go wrong. On the other hand, I also cannot sit here for hours at a time and think sunshiny, bouncy, happy, bedazzled in candy hearts kinds of thoughts. I would die of a sugar high induced coma if I did. 
So I have chosen to be realistically optimistic.
I optimistically think that everything will be okay while still taking into consideration the fact that there are risks. Yes, he is having trouble getting enough oxygen, but he is sucking on his pacifier no problem! 
Yes, he is having a little setback, but he has made great progress!
I love my son too much to think negatively. I should not be allowed in here if I was that way. It's not good for me, for my family, and definitely not good for Peanut. Children depend very highly on the composure of their parents. If you are high strung, snapping at nurses, and causing a scene; then your child is going to get a whiff of your craziness and feel scared. You must, for the sake of your child, maintain composure and common sense. You must ask questions, stay informed and educated, and alert of what is going on. 
The doctor has started calling me "the Scribbler". Every morning at rounds, I have my little blue notebook out, pen poised, ready to take notes. I ask questions when I don't understand and I look up terms and medications when I don't know what they are. I have taken notes since the very first day and I don't plan to stop. I have had to correct doctors on occasion when they forget something. 
The other day when they had taken Peanut off the nasal CPAP and back on the nasal canula; he wanted to start tube feeding him breast milk.
"Um...Doctor? I though he was supposed to be on fat free formula for six weeks?"
And I was right.
You must be on your game when you are put in these kind of situations. Since this is a long term game, I have to be sure I follow what the doctors are saying and stay up to date on medications and feeding schedules. You never know when the doctor will look at you and ask "What did we do yesterday?".

1 comment:

Robbie said...

Hi Ruth. I'm sorry you're going through a hard time with your son. He's beautiful As for the payPal button, just sign up for PayPal, go to Products and Services, then Get Paid, then Fundraising, then Donate Button. It's really easy to make one then you copy/paste the code into your sidebar. Hope this helps.

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