Where were you..

I was in 8th grade.
History class. Back of the row, next to the door. I remember thinking "it got really quiet"...then someone walked in and told us to turn on the TV.
My teacher did..and we just watched in complete silence and horror, as we saw the second plane hit the towers.

That's all I remember.

I don't know if they sent us home early, but I will never forget the disbelief I felt. The feeling I had, like I was watching a movie, there was no way this was real. No way that people are dying, right in front of my eyes...it can't be real.



An amazing woman, whose work you have seen before on this blog, created this to send love across the ocean from Australia.

Never forget

When it rains, it pours.

1. I had to cancel my 2nd fundraiser for The Corbin Story Fund due to insurance issues.

2. My husband's car broke down.

3. The engine needs replaced in said car.

4. Said engine is going to cost, with installation, about $3000.

5. My husband got fired. For no reason.

6. Said husband got his old job back within hours of said firing.

7. I had a meltdown at work.

8. Unable to gather $3000 so far.

9. When it rains, it pours.

Did I forget anything??

Oh yeah.
10. I need a vacation.

First fundraiser in Corbin's honor

The Corbin Story Fund had it's first fundraiser tonight.

Not one single person showed up. No phone calls, no fliers, no nothing. I called the restaurant to ask and the manager told me that one of his servers saw it on TV, but still nobody!

What do I have to say to get people to come?

You get to stuff your face, drink, pig out on dessert AND it helps a good cause!

Help raise awareness of something you have never heard of!

It's for a good cause, I promise!

Sigh.

I'm hurt. I'm disappointed, angry, sad, and hopeful at the same time.

Hopefully tomorrow will turn out better. 

I'm not giving up.

For southern West Virginian's: here is the deal- dinner at Chili's in Beckley tomorrow (July 2nd), from 4-10 pm, show up with the below flier, and have proceeds donated to my non-profit set up in Corbin's honor. 

That easy, and you get food! Please tell your friends, co-workers, your church, and your boy scout troupe. Help me raise money in Corbin's honor, for CHD and pulse ox awarness, for education, and for support for locals families that have lost a child. Do it for Corbin. Do it for your kids. Do it for the fuzzy feeling you get when you help someone out. But please just show up!

A hard road to walk

I'm all about sharing my feelings so that other's don't feel alone. But there are some things I just can NOT share because I know I will be judged. That's just the truth.

You may be thinking "No! You can tell me anything."
But that's not true and you know it.

There are some things that can not be said out loud. Some emotions that can not be shared. Some experiences, some emotions, some realizations, that cannot be share. Plain and simple. Period. No doubt about it.

I could tell you that I no longer find other's pregnancy announcements enjoyable and you will either relate, or frown and think "well, that's not cool.". It's just reality. No judgement here, just a plain and simple realization that others will ALWAYS think differently then me. That's ok. Sometimes it's not, but that's not my point. There are some things you can only share with your therapist or best friend. Like I did.

I love my therapist. I would see her again if I had the same insurance. But I don't. She is amazing. I recommend her to everyone. Our first appointment; she listened for an hour and half while I bawled, yelled, and laughed about the past year and a half. She never once looked at the clock or acted bored. She listened and nodded and laughed and wiped away tears as I told her my story. She is uh.mazing.

She changed my life.


Anyway. Back to what I was saying: you cannot always say what your are thinking. I'm here to tell you that is ok. Just because you have a blog and people follow it, does not mean you are an open book. That's ok if you are!! But some of the time, I'm not.

Please God, bless me with another child

Every two weeks.
I am SO in tune with my body right. Desperate for another child. Praying, please God, please...I just want another baby. I keep track, diligently, of my cycle, of when I'm ovulating, of any spotting, of any soreness..any signal that something is different.

Sometimes I hate my body.

DAMN YOU. 

Damn you for tricking me. Damn you for making me think I might be pregnant. I just want another baby. I get to hold newborns, to photograph newborns, I smell their fresh newborn smell and see them smile in their sleep. My body aches for another child.

Please God.

I just want another child.

A healthy child. A gifted child. A disabled child.

A child.

I am ready.

How to tell someone your baby died

"Wait. You've had two c-sections? I thought you only had one kid."

It's that quick. Now you have to tell them. My baby died.

"Um. Yes. Well, you see..."
My baby died.

"How old is he?"

"He was three months old. I had a perfectly normal pregnancy..we had no idea anything was wrong..."
My baby died.
.
.
.
That's how it usually starts. Or "how old are your kids?" I had to answer that question just the week before. It depends on my mood, normally I don't mind sharing Corbin's story, but I hate the uncomfortable feeling that appears whenever they realize my baby isn't alive. The look in their eyes. The shape in which their mouth forms as they realize that my answer is way deeper then they thought.

I have to take a deep breath, formulate my answer, and hope they don't react in a way that makes me feel worse.
I always start slow..work into what happened. I don't just dump out "my baby died". Personally, it hurts me to skip past his amazing life, the way he fought to live, and how his legacy lives on through Corbin's Bill. I take the time to explain his heart problem, his fight, and how we helped pass a law in his name. I tell his story because I want them to know.

See, I know how I feel. I've been living this reality for that past two years, but your are just now learning about Corbin, about his heart problems, and how he died. You have just milliseconds to react. You can't hide your initial reaction. I see it all over your face. I know you're uncomfortable, or you feel pity. Please don't just say "Oh, ok." and change the subject. That makes me feel ill and incredibly uncomfortable. Please ask me his name and about his story. Please tell me you are sorry for our loss. Don't turn away or change the subject. I know my son died. I will never, not for a single instant, forget that. It's ok. I can talk about it. Just don't ignore that my son lived. That hurts the most of all.

I know some says it never gets easier. Some say it gets less hard with time, or that it depends on their mood, but telling a stranger, a new friend, or even someone you have known for months that your baby died is HARD.

This is just me, but here is how I do it..

I say, "I have two sons, one is three and the other passed away two years ago. He was born with heart problems and had three heart surgeries, but they didn't work. He was three months old." 

Here is where it gets awkward or uncomfortable, but I keep talking...

"But there is something good that happened next. I helped pass a law. You know that little clip they put on the end of your finger at the doctor? That is called pulse ox. It can detect heart defects and I helped make in mandatory in WV. So my son has a legacy and I am very proud of Corbin's Bill." 

Afterwards some people ask questions, others just nod and say how sorry they are. I understand that you don't know what to say. I understand that you had no idea that we were about to have this conversation. Sometimes the conversation ends on a comfortable note and we can go our ways, other times I can see in their eyes that they feel awful for asking. They are probably mentally smacking themselves for putting me in a position that I would have to explain something that is obviously so difficult to tell. So I go back to them and say:

" I just want you to know that I don't mind talking about Corbin. Please don't feel bad for bringing it up because it is ok. I can talk about. You can ask me questions."

They visibly relax, give me a small smile, and may ask me another question. 

Even after telling you all of this, each time you tell someone (if you do), is going to be different. Sometimes I skate around the fact I have two boys so that I don't have to explain Corbin's passing. It's just not the right time, the right person, or appropriate for our encounter. But there are times where I have shared Corbin's entire story with a complete stranger! There is no way to explain when is the "right time". You just feel it, or decide that it is the right time to share. 

There is no easy way and I can't tell you how to do it. But when I do decide to share, I do it slowly, and take the time to explain Corbin's full story. 

Loss parents: how do you tell other's about your angel?