That will be you

I haven't been posting as much as I should. It helps me through this hard journey, but lately, I have been avoiding it. But today I came across a link to Faces of Loss sharing a story of a mother's loss and I understood. I related to what she was saying and I feel like I should share my story here.

It was before Corbin's last heart surgery. I was sitting in the living room of the Ronald McDonald house. I remember one of the staff came up to me and explained one of the couples had just lost their son. The couple was standing in the kitchen, saying their goodbyes to friends and the staff. I looked at them with pity, but no understanding. I remember the look of pain on the mother's face. The tears running down her face. Her son was five months old and had spent his entire life in the hospital. He had never once been home and his mother had never gotten to hold him.
That day she did.
The first time she got to hold her son, he was dead.

I remember looking at them, feeling pity and sorrow in my heart, hoping that would never be me.
"That will be you" I heard.
It was the voice of God telling me that I would soon be that mother. I would soon lose my son.

I ignored the voice. I brushed it aside, saying "No, he will make it".

But I knew. Deep down inside that I would be that mother. I knew that Corbin was never going to come home. God was preparing me for what was to come. I truly believe that.
It didn't make the pain any less, or the journey any easier. But it took the shock away.

In a way, I'm thankful for the feeling I had. That doesn't mean it hurts any less. That doesn't mean I don't miss my son every single second of the day. I would love to go back to the day we brought him home and live in that moment forever.
February 23rd. The best day we had together.

I don't know why I heard that voice. I don't know why I was given the feeling that he would never come home. But it helped me prepare, and for that I'm thankful.