I know I shouldn't be jealous but I am.
Three of my friends have just found out on that they are pregnant.
I can't help but ache with jealousy. How I desperately want to see those two pink lines and make those phone calls to family. I want to feel my belly grow, feel those kicks, feel those hickups that used to drive me crazy. I just want a baby.
Something that really bugs me is even if I were to get pregnant this moment, my next child would be 4 years younger then Monkey. That is a significant difference! They would be far enough apart that they wouldn't even stay on the same school very long.
I never really thought hard about this until that day Monkey was swinging and had a rock in his hand. He placed the rock on the swing next to him, pushed it back and forth, and told it "I love you rock". How it broke my heart. I do want him to have a sibling. I do want him to grow up with someone that he can share memories with.
I just want a baby.
Then my fears kick in. What if I have a miscarriage? What if I can't get pregnant again? What if something bad happens?
I can't help thinking these thoughts. I know it's normal to worry about such things but after losing Corbin, I just can't have those "normal" worries anymore. I know that one in four women have a miscarriage and that out of the thousands of births each day, many of those babies have birth defects and complications. I can't unknow what I know.
I can only do my best to stay healthy and hope and pray that a baby is in my future.