The Talk

I'll be honest. This morning was not my favorite.

After rounds, the doctor sat me down to give me "The Talk."
Now, "The Talk" is when your child is sick and they want to be sure that you know that things could go south. That you need to prepare yourself for a rocky road, some bad news, and possibly make a very big decision.
"We're not giving up, we just don't know what to do to make him better."

Peanut is very sick. His heart isn't healthy, his lungs can't keep up, and now his liver is being affected. They aren't feeding him today because the TPN(IV nutrients), after a long period of time, can cause liver failure. You can already see signs of it: his numbers are out of whack and his skin is turning yellow because his liver can't process like normal. His hair is falling out (side effect, I'm told), they had to raise the ventilator pressure, he doesn't tolerate being awake, and his numbers drop when he's turned on his right side. His is having bloody secretions after his chest PT, which is when they pat him on the back to loosen up gunk in his lungs. He does have an infection, they just aren't sure what kind it is. He will be on antibiotics for at least 21 days to make sure it's gone.
Over all, they don't know what to do. They don't want to make it worse, but they don't know what will make it better. He obviously can't go into surgery when he is sick, the operation will kill him. We just have to wait and see how Peanut does.
Wait and pray.

So I knew this talk would come. I could tell by the way the doctor was looking at me that he was going to tell me there is a chance my child won't make it. That I need to make the decision, that in the event his heart stops beating, do I want them to try and save him or let his disease take its course.
I don't know the answer.
I don't know what I want them to do or how I feel about it. I am still processing this and still trying to figure out my feelings.
I'm not saying this is the end of the road. I'm not saying Peanut is on his death bed. I'm just saying there is a chance that he may not make it.
On the other hand, it may be that he is just sick and weak and having a lot of trouble right now. But that tomorrow he will suddenly perk up, his numbers will even out, and he will come out of it. He could very well show us how very strong and determined he is to make it. This isn't the end, this is just a very low point.
Right now, it's all up to Peanut and God. If it is his time, then we all need to at least hear the words: He may die.

So here I am. Praying.
He hasn't given up and neither should we.

I'll close with something I usually never look at or even take seriously: my horoscope.

You simply shouldn't take negative things seriously today. Any metaphorical stop signs, refusals, brick walls or red lights are not the end of the world. They are simply annoyances that you must ignore. Give things another try -- figure out a new route. Maybe there's something you haven't thought of? Chances are someone who's been down this road before has some excellent insight, so why don't you drop them an email and find out what advice they have for you?


Anonymous said...

My heart is with you..God give the courage and the wisdom that only a SPECIAL MOM LIKE YOU CAN HAVE IT

Anonymous said...

my prayers are with you and your family! my son also had open heart @ 5months old. but i could not imagine how you are felling right now.

Jessica Lovvorn said...

I have read your story about your peanut. My heart goes out to you and your family. My son was born with a chd called HLHS, Hypoplastic left heart syndrome, which comes with other multiple other heart defects. He had his 1st surgery at 6 days old and was in the hospital for a month and a half with several complications including having to get a g tube. His 2nd surgery at 4 and a half months old stayed for about 2 and a half weeks bc of pleural effusions. and the last surgery was last June, and was there for about 2 and a half weeks again due to pleural effusions. He is great now thank the Lord. But your story truly touches my heart!!! Please feel free to message me or anything you need to vent or talk. Prayers are with you and your family and especially peanut!!!!

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