Grief is a very unpredictable thing.
One moment you are laughing at your firstborn and the way he walks around with his hands in the air....the next you are crying because you just remembered your angel child will never do that.
I was told by a friend that it sounded like I was in the "anger" stage of grief.
I do not disagree.
I googled it. Found the stages on a website and thought I would share a piece:

"During grief, it is common to have many conflicting feelings. Sorrow, anger, loneliness, sadness, shame, anxiety, and guilt often accompany serious losses. Having so many strong feelings can be very stressful.
Yet denying the feelings, and failing to work through the five stages of grief, is harder on the body and mind than going through them. When people suggest "looking on the bright side," or other ways of cutting off difficult feelings, the grieving person may feel pressured to hide or deny these emotions. Then it will take longer for healing to take place."

I chose this section to share because I believe I am "stuck" in the guilt part of grief.
I feel guilty for not crying all day, every day.
I feel guilty for laughing.
I feel guilty for not visiting my angel baby's grave today.
I feel guilty that I'm not wallowing in a dark, depressing pool of sadness and tears.

Guilt is not listed as one of the "steps of grieving" but it should be.

Today, our area got hit with a pretty nasty storm. I drove down the road a mile or two to go pick up some drinks. As I was driving and watching the incredible power of a thunderstorm beat upon my windshield, a thought drifted into my mind.
What if I drove into the middle of the pasture, stood on the roof of the car, and reached my hands up toward the storm? Would I get hit by lightning? Would it be such a bad thing? I would see my baby again....

Now I realize this is an awful thing to say. No one should ever admit they have thoughts these things. That is what our society tells us anyway.
So I feel guilty for saying it, for feeling it, and most of all, for putting it out there for others to read. But I think it is important for me not to hold anything back.

So back to what I started out saying: Yes, I'm angry, but most of all I feel guilty. I think about it all the time. Things I should have done, would have done, could have done. 

I know it's too late...but guilt knows no timeline.


Anonymous said...

Ruth, I continue to pray for you and your family! When my heart warrior was in the middle of her heart fight, I remember going out to dinner with a friend and laughing hysterically, then instantly I was bathed in crippling guilt. That wash has come over and over through the last year as I find myself "enjoying" life while she still fights to establish hers.

My prayers are with you and your family!

Diane Dawson Hearn said...

Ruth, I can't even begin to imagine your pain, but as I read your blog (in tears), I just want to encourage you to continue to let yourself feel whatever you feel and express yourself however you must. I can see how feeling guilty is a part of the process as well...just accept each moment in time as that particular moment, different from the ones that came before and will come after. Emotions are temporary, so one moment you can feel joy and the next deep sorrow. That is natural. No cloud stays in the same place, they keep moving across the sky. The sky is God's love for you, and it will never change. God accepts you no matter what you are feeling...after all, He, too, lost a Son. I will continue to pray for you and your family, trusting that God is guiding you gently and lovingly through this sad valley, and He will bring you through to the other side.


Unknown said...

Oh the grief guilt. Sigh.

I've come to the conclusion that steps or cycles of grief just don't fit the loss of a child. I find myself cycling in and out of them all. Much love.

michelle hunter said...

Your feeling and emotions are so real & raw. It is a GREAT thing that you are expressing them. I have not lost my son but he is fighting for his life. I feel guilty when I am not at the hospital for more then a few hours. I feel guilty going out and doing something. Like people are looking at me like how could she leave her son in the hospital. Talk to God he is listening and he loves you! God bless you strong mamma

Annie said...

Hi. You stopped by my blog tonight & commented on my sweet Ollie that is having her open heart surgery Thursday. Thank you for reaching out to me - I truly appreciate it. I am now in tears over your story. I wanted to share my Mom's blog with you. I thought maybe it would help if that's even possible. I don't believe that your grief will ever fully be gone. I think you will have it forever you will just manage it differently, however there will still be great joy in your life and your future. I only know this because of what my parents have lost & lived through. Their loss has made them into the most amazing parents my sisters and I could ever ask for.

Anyway, here is my Mom's blog about my twin brothers - I truly hope in some way it helps you right now. God bless & so much love & prayers for you and yours!

Post a Comment

Please leave some love. It makes me smile.