Don't ask

It's getting harder. I think when all "this" happened, I was in total shock. Now it has sunk in more: my child is gone.
It's hard for me to read about other children's surgeries. There was one where the mom was asking for prayers for her son's heart surgery. I couldn't say anything to her. I was just thinking "Good luck, that's the surgery Corbin had before he died". I can't say that to another mother! I can't be optimistic for other people, I just can't. I've been there and seen what can happen. Not all babies survive heart surgery and I'm not going to pretend they will.

Yesterday was bad. I think the interview brought up memories I try to avoid. I was also working on writing a condensed version of Corbin's Story for a book a friend is writing. It wasn't pretty. I was trying to type while bawling my eyes out. I was getting depressed which turned into anger. I was just in a mad bood all day; ignoring phone calls and texts. I just didn't want to be around anyone.

We don't even say his name. It's like if we say his name, then it all really happened. But if we don't, then it wasn't real. It never happened. He's just sleeping and we'll get to see him when he wakes up. I hate that I can't say his name.

I had a moment that terrified me yesterday. An old friend from middle school messaged me and asked how "my second child was doing." My heart started racing and my hands started shaking. "She doesn't know!?!? Oh my God, what do I say?!"
I didn't answer her. I couldn't. In my depressed and angry state I would have just told her "He died" then logged off. Let her chew on that. I'm not trying to be mean, I just don't have the "togetherness" to calmly sit there and tell his story all over again.
So I messaged her the link to my blog and left it at that.
She never messaged me back.
And I don't care. I don't want to talk about it. I don't mind if someone knows the story already, but I do NOT want to explain the three months of pain and suffering my newborn endured fighting for his life. I'm not going to do it.

I have no patience left. I get so angry seeing people complain about their child "driving them crazy" or that they're up past their bed time and won't calm down. I don't say anything, I just delete them off my page. I don't want to see it. I can't.

Cody came home early yesterday. He said he got really emotional and they sent him home. He just couldn't act like everything was okay, because it's not. We are not okay. I'm sure you are concerned and you are honestly sincere in asking; but DON'T. Please don't ask "So, how are you doing?". Don't ask me that because I'm also tired of lying. I'm not okay.
 So next time you ask, I'm going to say "No, I'm not okay. My child is dead and my heart is broken. What do you suggest I do?"