Today, I went to Wal-mart with my mother. We were chatting on the way there and she asked: " So, how are you doing through all this?"
Such a weighted question.
I tell her, "It's the little things that get to me."
Through out the days, I'm not drowning in sorrow; it's more like I have this constant, never ending feeling that something's missing. Of course I know what it is, but it's a shadow that follows me around.
Just a second ago, I was watching a video a friend messaged me and on the right of the website was an ad for cloth diapers.
*heartbreak*
I was planning on using cloth diapers with Corbin, seeing that reminds me of what I had planned and how now I don't have to do it.
The other day I went to Wal-mart and as I was checking out, I could see into the photography room where a family was getting their pictures done.
*heartbreak*
This, again, reminds me that I had planned on getting Corbin's pictures professionally done when he got out of the hospital.
I'm reminded how now I don't have to set up appointments for physical therapy, I don't have to schedule another hearing test, I don't need the four boxes of newborn diapers in the guest room, I don't need the blue bassinet in the bedroom, I don't need the baby bath, I don't need all the hundreds of baby clothes....it goes on and on and on.
I am reminded every day on what I no longer have to do, what I now have time for; well you know what? I DONT want to have time to work out, I DONT want to have time to go grocery shopping. I WANT my baby back. I want to be busy and hungry and sleep deprived.
Instead, I take care of my toddler but nothing else. I'm not swamped with two kids under two. I don't have to lug a toddler on my hip while balancing a diaper bag and an infant car seat. I don't have to get up multiple times during the night to nurse my newborn. I get a full nights sleep with no interruptions.
Like I said, I have a shadow. A shadow of Corbin following me around, reminding me of what all the plans I had. The photos, the outfits, the playdates.
No more.
No more plans, no more schedules.
I have all the time in the world to think about him.
Such a weighted question.
I tell her, "It's the little things that get to me."
Through out the days, I'm not drowning in sorrow; it's more like I have this constant, never ending feeling that something's missing. Of course I know what it is, but it's a shadow that follows me around.
Just a second ago, I was watching a video a friend messaged me and on the right of the website was an ad for cloth diapers.
*heartbreak*
I was planning on using cloth diapers with Corbin, seeing that reminds me of what I had planned and how now I don't have to do it.
The other day I went to Wal-mart and as I was checking out, I could see into the photography room where a family was getting their pictures done.
*heartbreak*
This, again, reminds me that I had planned on getting Corbin's pictures professionally done when he got out of the hospital.
I'm reminded how now I don't have to set up appointments for physical therapy, I don't have to schedule another hearing test, I don't need the four boxes of newborn diapers in the guest room, I don't need the blue bassinet in the bedroom, I don't need the baby bath, I don't need all the hundreds of baby clothes....it goes on and on and on.
I am reminded every day on what I no longer have to do, what I now have time for; well you know what? I DONT want to have time to work out, I DONT want to have time to go grocery shopping. I WANT my baby back. I want to be busy and hungry and sleep deprived.
Instead, I take care of my toddler but nothing else. I'm not swamped with two kids under two. I don't have to lug a toddler on my hip while balancing a diaper bag and an infant car seat. I don't have to get up multiple times during the night to nurse my newborn. I get a full nights sleep with no interruptions.
Like I said, I have a shadow. A shadow of Corbin following me around, reminding me of what all the plans I had. The photos, the outfits, the playdates.
No more.
No more plans, no more schedules.
I have all the time in the world to think about him.
2 comments:
He was such a beautiful baby. I think of that every time I see the picture of you holding him.
I have thought many times of commenting but I really would have no words, other than repeating what others have posted.
Your Corbin looks like my Johnny-tiny head and nose, but larger forehead with beautiful silky, soft hair, that combs to the right. Everyone commented on his "Old Man" forehead wrinkles. Our Ped. discovered some features at 2 weeks, and at 3 months, we had a dx.
Ever since I discovered your blog and CaringBridge page from reading a post on BBC (I'm a member of the Unique Chromosomes board and others-can't remember which you're from), I have been reading your story daily, and sharing it with coworkers and some family members. The last time I checked the BBC website, I typed in Williams Syndrome and your page came up-it was in March sometime. I have been following your story-especially b/c I had faith that Corbin would survive all of his health challenges. I know you have read hundreds of responses/comments, and mine is no different, but I know that you are part of our family. God created us specially to carry and care for these unique children. We all have a bond, and when disaster hits one family, we are all effected in some way for some odd reason. You and your family will always belong to our WS family-and Corbin will always be remembered. I have not felt the agonizing heartache of loosing a child, but Icried and cried when I read your update..and still do as I write this.
Corbin will always be remembered and you and your family will always be in my thoughts and prayers.
Karen-Johnny 3.5 WS and Chloee 1
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