Worst enemy

Part of greiving is the totally random, cannot be predicted emotional breakdowns. They hit me in the grocery story, while I'm in Zumba, driving down the road, and last night it was in the shower. I was thinking about Monkey's doctor appointment that morning which led to "did his doctor ever meet Peanut?" then me imagining the day I had Peanut at the pediatricians office then how he had to get his blood taken and how much he screamed and cried.
I realized with a schock that I don't remember what Peanut's cry sounds like.
Oh God...I don't want to forget. It was awful. I cried as the water was running. I cried as I got out of the shower. I cried as I got dressed. I cried as I climbed into bed.

It was such a horrible feeling. The guilt was overwhelming.
How could you forget your son's cry? What kind of mother are you? Didn't you love him?!

I'm my own worst enemy. God help me.

1 comment:

Kristine said...

You are an amazing mother. Just wonderful. I can feel your love for Corbin pouring through in everything you right. Forgetting his cry doesn't make you a bad mother, it makes CHD a horrible disease for taking him from you.

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