Day four


I wake up dreading the day.
Today is the day we have to go to Beckley with the baby for an echocardiogram.

His first night home went well. He was up off and on till midnight then slept till 2, then till 6, then till 10. I am still nursing (yay!) but he is a chomper.
For those who haven't breast-fed, I tell ya what, it can get painful if you don't have the hang of it. I'm trying my hardest to get him to latch right but he just doesn't seem to want to open up! I am contemplating pumping till the soreness goes down.

I am nervous the whole ride to Beckley. Hubby is calm and reassuring, as always, but that only makes me worry more. I know it could be nothing, but it could also be a whole mess of something bad! I just wish people would stop being so optimistic and realize that this is serious. That I  am taking this very seriously. I am his mother, I am supposed to, and I will continue to worry till I hear that nothing is wrong.
We have to stop and adjust the car seat. Peanut is so small, his head falls into his lap when he's asleep. This makes me worry more, so I put a neck pillow around him to support his head.

When we get into the doctor's office, the lady behind the counter is smitten with Peanut's name. :) She keeps saying over and over how much she loves it. After filling out insurance info and paying the deductible, we are shown back.
We get Peanut settled in, I have to nurse to calm him down, the technician starts the echo.

More silence.

"Crap" I think to myself. It's never good when the technician won't talk to you.
Hubby asks:
"So do you see the murmur?"
She doesn't answer.

She continues with the echo, avoiding his question.

"Well....I see holes."

I hear my heart break.
"Okay? What does that mean?"
She tells us she wants a second opinion before she will say. So she calls in another nurse.
They talk among themselves but we can hear that she agrees with the technician.
Peanut has multiple holes in his heart.

She leaves to call the cardiologist.
We just look at each other. No words are necessary for the level of shock we just experienced.
What do you say, to the father of your child, when you hear something is wrong with your baby?
What can you do, when you know that things just got a whole hell of a lot more complicated. This isn't just a murmur, this isn't just a blip on the ultrasound. This is serious stuff.

The cardiologist only says that he wants to see the echo himself before he can say. All we can do is leave , praying that he won't see anything else.
Dumbstruck, we drive home.
I call mom and immediately start crying. I can't get the words out.
"He has holes in his heart"
"Oh baby...I'm so sorry"

We make more phone calls on the ride home. I hate that we don't know more. Family members bring up more questions but we can't answer. It's a horrible feeling.

When we arrive home, no one says anything. Mom comes out to meet us at the car. She's crying.
Seeing my mom break down like that just kills me...I start crying again.
I just hold my baby and cry.